


You Can't Tell Me How to be Myself

by DeadMilitia



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Crossdressing, Frerard, Gay, M/M, Questioning, Sexuality, Suicidal Thoughts, Support, Transgender, dark themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 04:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: Gerard wasn't sure what he was. Did he really need to put a label on it anyway? So what if he enjoyed wearing girl clothes that didn't make him a girl. He was pretty sure he was still a boy and wearing what he wanted didn't change that. Too bad others didn't feel that way.





	You Can't Tell Me How to be Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm gonna shorten the AN here. If you want the long one, it's posted on my Wattpad posting of this story. My Wattpad is DeadMilitia.   
> This story comes from a quote I read from Gerard where he talked about how he used to question whether or not he was transgender and later decided that he wasn't, he's just feminine. I kind of went through the same thing. I used to want to be a boy and even did everything I could to act like. I didn't know what transgender was at that point and was very confused about it all. I actually had a girlfriend at one point. Now, I am was born a girl and I am still a girl. I'm just not girly. I read that from Gerard and felt relieved even though it had already been years since I was confused by it. It just made me feel less alone because someone else had been through it. Most people I know who dealt with it were transgender or gay. I'm not and didn't even really know what those were at that time. So I just felt weird about it since I never knew anyone else who went through it.   
> Also, if you know what quote I'm talking about and know where I could find it, could you please tell me? You can either post it in the comments or send it to me on tumblr (tru-oddball) or Instagram (tru_oddball).   
> Also, my family is doing my little sister's Make-A-Wish this week so I'm just uploading this quickly and didn't look over it. I don't have WiFi at home so updates will be a little slow.

Gerard stood in front of the mirror and turned different ways to look at himself. He found a small smile on his lips as he saw how the black lace panties hugged his body. He ran a hand over his butt with a smile. He had been curious for a while about how it would feel to wear "girl clothes" and now he kinda knew. It felt nice to him but he would never let someone catch him wearing them.

"Gerard?" He jumped as the voice was combined with knocking.

"Yeah?" He asked, grabbing his jeans and pulling them on before throwing his boxers into the hamper.

"You're going to be late for school." He could hear the irritation in his mom's voice. He checked his eyeliner in the mirror and made sure his panties weren't visible anywhere before opening the door. He couldn't imagine what his parents would say if they ever found out. They would probably disown him. He went to his room and grabbed his school bag before heading out. He decided to walk to school today because he could use the exercise. He had spent so much time getting all of that fat off and he planned on keeping it off.

He honestly felt sexy with the panties on even though he was the only person who knew he had them on. He knew that others wouldn't understand. He didn't even fully understand it himself. He had looked into the possibility of being transgender, a crossdresser, and even if it was just because he's gay. He still was confused. He wanted somebody to straight out tell him "this is what you are" but nobody could do that. He had been confused for a while and for the longest time didn't have anything to label what he was feeling.

When he got to school he took a deep breath before going in. This wasn't where he wanted to be but he kept reminding himself that he only had two and a half years left and then he could leave for good. He planned on leaving this town and never coming back. He was going to make something of himself so he could hold a big middle finger to all the bastards in this school.

\----------------------------

Gym wasn't Gerard's favorite class. He had been somehow getting by with notes most of the year. He walked up to the coach and handed him the note, tucking a strand of black hair behind his ear and looking down nervously.

"Way, I'm tired of these notes. You're gonna have to start participating or fail gym. Now, go get changed," Coach Wright demanded, pointing towards the locker room. Gerard's eyes widened.

"No, I really can't," Gerard said. He couldn't change in front of the other boys. Not while wearing black lace panties.

"I mean it, Way. Get in there and change. You better be out in five minutes or you can go to detention after school." Gerard considered just taking the detention. It was far better than anyone finding out. But if he got detention then he would be grounded for a week and wouldn't be able to go to the mall with Mikey. Sure he enjoyed spending time with his brother but part of it was because he knew Mikey would go off with his secret boyfriend which left Gerard to look through the clothes and maybe pick up a few more pairs of underwear this weekend.

"What's it gonna be?" Coach Wright asked, crossing his arms. Gerard lowered his head and turned to the locker rooms. He could just wait until the others were gone and then change real quick, right? Coach Wright couldn't actually force him to get changed in five minutes. That was student abuse, wasn't it? Gerard stood off to the side of the room and tried not to look at anyone as he waited. He ignored the comments thrown at him and crossed his arms. He wasn't going to move until they were all gone.

Once the last person had left, Gerard quickly changed and followed them out, getting a mean look from the coach. Today was soccer and everyone lined up on the field. Gerard just wanted this to be over with quickly. As they listened to the coach drag on about what they were doing and the safety rules, Gerard felt someone elbow him. He turned to his right to see Bob Bryar and Bert McCracken smirking at him. He looked away again, not wanting to deal with them. He felt Bob elbow him again but chose to ignore it. He moved away from them a little. There was another person on his left so he couldn't go far.

"What's wrong?" Bob teased, moving closer to Gerard again. Gerard wanted to push him away but knew it would do no good.

"Bryar!" Coach Wright yelled, giving Bob a stern look. He glanced at Gerard before going back to assigning teams. Gerard went to his team once it was called and noticed he was on the same team as Frank Iero. He admired Frank because he didn't care what anyone thought of him. He dressed how he wanted, said what he thought, and did what he wanted, but he was also really nice. He smiled when he caught Gerard staring at him. Gerard quickly looked back at the ground.

As they lined up to work on goals, Gerard tried to stay away from Bert who was right behind him. He didn't feel as awkward about moving closer to the person in front of him since it was Frank. He just worried that Frank was getting annoyed with him or would think he's being a creep. He tried to ignore the two whispering and laughing behind him. He just wanted this class to be over. He wanted this day to be over.

When it was his turn to kick he stopped in front of the ball. Before he could run up to kick it he felt his pants being yanked down. His eyes went wide as there was a moment of silence.

"He's wearing chick underwear," Bob shouted before him and Bert burst into laughter, making most everyone else laugh too. Gerard quickly pulled up his pants as he heard the coach yelling at Bert and Bob about detention. Gerard ran as fast as he could. He didn't care that gym wasn't over yet. He was leaving. Not just class but school. He couldn't face them right now. He ran to the locker room and quickly changed before grabbing his stuff and leaving. His eyes widened when he saw Frank standing there like he was about to come into the locker room. He lowered his head and carefully slipped past Frank.

"Gerard," Frank called, walking up beside him.

"Leave me alone," Gerard mumbled, walking down the hallway and towards the doors.

"Are you leaving?" Frank questioned.

"Why the hell would I stay here?" Gerard asked, trying to hold in his tears. He vowed to never wear panties outside of his bedroom. He had felt good about himself for the first time in a while. So what if wearing "chick underwear" made him feel good? Why does it matter? "Just leave me alone for a while, please?" Gerard asked, hoping Frank would.M

"Okay," Frank said, not sure what else to do. Gerard thanked him quietly before leaving the building. Gerard really didn't want to go home. He ended up walking around the nearby park and continuously wiping at his eyes. He refused to cry. So what if everyone now knew he was wearing panties? So what if he so embarrassed he wanted to jump off a bridge? Who cares?

He found his way to the playground and climbed up on top of the monkey bars to just sit there. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lighter before lighting one and inhaling the smoke. He stared down at the gravel below him and sniffled again. He was starting to control his emotions a little better. He knew he would be forced to go to school tomorrow and he knew everyone in the school would know. Tomorrow was going to be hell.

"There you are," Gerard jumped at the voice and whipped around to see Frank.

"What are you doing here?" Gerard took another drag of his cigarette while Frank climbed up to join him.

"Well, I went to your house but your brother said you hadn't come home. So I went looking for you. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Why do you care?" It came out more bitter than Gerard had meant it.

"Look, I know what happened sucks. They're both idiots who have never seen chick underwear on another person that close up before." Frank said, making Gerard laugh a little. "Are you okay?"

"I guess," Gerard said. "I know one thing, I'm never doing this again." Gerard said, snuffing out his cigarette on the bar next to him before flicking it to the ground.

"Why not?" Frank asked, lighting his own cigarette.

"Because that was embarrassing," Gerard said, lighting up another cigarette.

"Who cares? If you like wearing 'em then wear 'em." Frank blew smoke out before smirking at Gerard. "You make 'em look sexier than any girl I've ever seen." Gerard blushed at the comment.

"Whatever," Gerard mumbled which made Frank chuckle. They both fell into silence as they smoked. Frank looked over Gerard's body. He knew Gerard because they grew up in the same town but they never really talked. He didn't actually know anything about Gerard and definitely never expected him to be one wearing panties. Though looking back on it he shouldn't be surprised. Gerard had always seemed different and a little more feminine. Honestly Frank found it really hot. He couldn't help but imagine Gerard in more feminine clothing. That would be hot.

"Why are you staring at me?" Gerard asked, tossing his cigarette again.

"You," Frank replied, tossing his cigarette too.

"Obviously but why?" Gerard asked, rolling his eyes.

"No reason," Frank replied. "Wanna go get dinner with me?" Frank asked as he started climbing down. Gerard looked at him weird before following. Frank couldn't resist glancing at Gerard's ass as he climbed down.

"Where are we going?" Gerard asked.

"I thought we'd go to Etam. I go there a lot since it's one of the few vegan places around here." Frank explained.

"You're a vegan?" Gerard asked and Frank nodded his head as they walked.

"Of course there is still one kind of meat I don't mind." Frank smirked and winked at Gerard. Gerard blushed and bit back a smile.

"That's gross," Gerard chuckled, making Frank laugh.


End file.
